I DO NOT KNOW

Have you stood and stared at life ?? yes i have. At the one person who I loved more than everything, who was everything to me. For whom I had left every one hurt everyone, my parents my brother my best friends, and had to drag myself up and try and be strong for the betrayal that he did to me and my love  that he had taken for granted. I was willing to risk everything for him in the hope that tomorrow will be different.  That he would be willing to change and he would love me really as he often claimed that he did. Even when his frequent "I dont knows" shattered me into a million pieces and broke my self respect and self confidence.. I tried to hold on. Inspire myself and console myself.

I will come back my love

The waves of the ocean beg her to forgive
its deceiving with the wind..
"forgive my subtle nature"
and the inconsistency of the wind..
I know that for always
I will remain for ever yours
but still the wind tickles me off my senses
into following him on..
But i know each heart beat of
my pulsating self will remain yours
I will come back to you my love
I will come back to you ... for sure..

Dear friend- January 2009

Fate manipulated me with her hands
and threw my soul in the dungeon of mistrust
Bounded by the iron rallying of greed
still the heart yearns for the
spring of your friendship..
I can bare the indifference my friend
but unbearable is pain of attachment my dear
Thousand times have i been warned
and yet thousand times i will repeat
the same crimes for which i am tortured..

Lifes worth

We all live superficial lives.. life full of drama emotion, hate anger and love. Revenge.. ambition.. drive.. it all fuels us.. it makes us feel worthy of our otherwise worthless life's.. for some time we feel that we are in control of it .. we feel we make the decisions and that we are strong .. But all that is an illusion.. we loose things that are most dear to us.. we loose our self and others.. we don't do that what has to be done and we expect others to understand us..

Love again

And my heart is so full of pain again.. yes again.. and I realize that my days of disillusion haven't worn away. How is it that some thing you truly believe turn so bitter ? or are we all stupid in hoping that there is a fairy tale in all our lives and yes one day that will happen and we will be the lucky ones? or is it expectation . it can be that too. Just because I feel something I prefer to be in the illusion that the other person is feeling the same thing too. That's the first mistake we assume, take it for granted that the feeling that we share are mutual and that its the same. That is so not true. Every person feels a different thing for the same situation and as we experience it we try to generalize it like everything that we do. When we are in love it blinds us. It makes us not see what the other person is going through. And then when something doesn't work out it sends us searching all over what and where it went wrong.It takes a long time for us to realize that our partner had an all new experience for themselves that was different than ours and may be we were blind to the doubts, agonies and fears in their mind. When love would have grown and blossomed in our hearts so must have fear in theirs and then our mutual worlds come crashing down. Then all that is left is pain. Then we go about with our lifes carrying it. Blaming it for the bad, un trusty, cynical person that it has turned us into. We take it out on some one else , who deserves a lot better behavior from us...

But then wait a minute, its exactly here that I wanna differ. Why cant we be happy that love has exposed so much good in us. It has enabled us to love some one else selflessly and has given beautiful memories. Why do we wanna take all that and turn it into something bitter. So what was it that was broken? what was untrue was the concept that we had in mind, what was untrue was the illusion that we thought to be real.. but what was true is each and every moment that we felt with that person.. our feelings of warmth and selflessness was true it was genuine  It should be something that should make us a better person right?? Love is always ours.. It makes us better people.. In thoes fragile moments of total belief there are seconds that are earnest . there is magic that makes us more than cosmic particles from distant stars.. I know I am a better person today than i was yesterday.. and I know that its a part of you that you left with me that made me so.. there is pain in my heart.. but I am grateful for it...

Is Life so vain?

Tranquility the silent dream,
oozed out the springs of the mind,
devoid of rattling thoughts
and dried of the well of overwhelmed
it flowed through the veins
veins of my body down
into the ocean of my soul..

Imagination

Soring high above the sky
I have given my dreams
the wings to fly...
To touch the stars and the moon
and hide from the sun at noon
Behind the clouds, I would play
hide and seek with the birds,
and dance before the lions prey,
as the king is about, to pounce..
I will swim to the depths in the sea
and find a shell of ruby
and shrink to a nuclear size
or grow more than the hills..
Thus i will dig out all the 
hidden truths of God and 
uncover the parts of me
which lay in bondage with 
my body...
Thus if its folly, i wont mind
but my imagination will grow..